Monday, April 16, 2012

D is for Desire

Sometimes the wanting is so much it oozes from interest into craving. Sometimes its for a person, or a condition, or an object. I know you know what I'm talking about... the wanting that defies reason and rational thought. It's that burning that lives deep in your gut that says "that" or "he/she" is meant to be mine. I have to... I must... make it mine.

For me, desire can be a motivator to make a change, stretch my limits or use my natural stubbornness to remain focused on a goal - when evidence to the contrary is showing me the road is difficult and perhaps even fruitless. Its at times created a desperate need in me that forces me from my safe place and into the unfamiliar. Desire has led me into situations that were perhaps not as... smart... as I'd ordinarily choose had rational thought been at the forefront of my brain. In my world, desire and hope are intricately, even intimately, intertwined. Hope offers the light at the end of the tunnel, while desire gives me the fortitude to continue the journey when the light seems distant.

At this stage of my life, I desire many things... a man who can love me back, as I am capable of loving him; a job that fulfills the need to give back and make a difference; an expansion of my world through travel and adventure; the discipline to continue my journey to a healthy lifestyle; and a space where I can find balance and my center.

Years ago, as a project for a creative writing class, I wrote the following poem. It was before I started the nursing program (see C is for Career Crisis) and I was not dating anyone at the time. It typifies my desire, at times... but perhaps with a darker edge.


Lurking in my dark depths,
The monster inside
Salivating with desire.
His dark need oozes from pores like sweat.
He is filled with reckless greed.
Breaking free of the rational bonds I have placed on him,
He surfaces with single-minded intent and
I’m wrapped in his arms of selfish want.

that sweet safety net,
that protective defense,
Is ripped harshly from my mind.
I am overcome.

Through his eyes I burn with longing.
I am enticed,
Lured into pure sensation.
With irrational insatiability I pursue the object of my yearning
Lost in fantasy,
I am conquered.

Surrendering, I embrace the monster inside.
Reveling in his power,
His mouth that consumes
My body.
Leaving behind
Intense, biting

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