Sometimes the wanting is so much it oozes from interest into craving. Sometimes its for a person, or a condition, or an object. I know you know what I'm talking about... the wanting that defies reason and rational thought. It's that burning that lives deep in your gut that says "that" or "he/she" is meant to be mine. I have to... I must... make it mine.
For me, desire can be a motivator to make a change, stretch my limits or use my natural stubbornness to remain focused on a goal - when evidence to the contrary is showing me the road is difficult and perhaps even fruitless. Its at times created a desperate need in me that forces me from my safe place and into the unfamiliar. Desire has led me into situations that were perhaps not as... smart... as I'd ordinarily choose had rational thought been at the forefront of my brain. In my world, desire and hope are intricately, even intimately, intertwined. Hope offers the light at the end of the tunnel, while desire gives me the fortitude to continue the journey when the light seems distant.
At this stage of my life, I desire many things... a man who can love me back, as I am capable of loving him; a job that fulfills the need to give back and make a difference; an expansion of my world through travel and adventure; the discipline to continue my journey to a healthy lifestyle; and a space where I can find balance and my center.
Years ago, as a project for a creative writing class, I wrote the following poem. It was before I started the nursing program (see C is for Career Crisis) and I was not dating anyone at the time. It typifies my desire, at times... but perhaps with a darker edge.
Lust
Lurking in my
dark depths,
The monster
inside
Awaits,
Salivating with
desire.
His dark need oozes
from pores like sweat.
He is filled
with reckless greed.
Breaking free of
the rational bonds I have placed on him,
He surfaces with
single-minded intent and
I’m wrapped in his
arms of selfish want.
Reason,
that sweet
safety net,
that protective
defense,
Is ripped
harshly from my mind.
I am overcome.
Through his eyes
I burn with longing.
I am enticed,
Lured into pure
sensation.
With irrational
insatiability I pursue the object of my yearning
Lost in fantasy,
I am conquered.
Surrendering, I
embrace the monster inside.
Reveling in his
power,
His mouth that
consumes
Me,
My body.
Leaving behind
Intense, biting
Pleasure.
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