Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Letting Go

Ever since December 31, 2011 I've felt this impending sense of doom. It's a bit like I've lost something incredibly valuable and don't know how to get it back or how to live without it.  It's made me by turns angry, frustrated, competitive, hurt, needy and depressed.

It's like I'm caught and I'm being forced to cut off a limb in order to save my life. It's the only option I see. I know it's going to hurt like hell but I don't know what else to do. So, I stand there trying to work up the courage. The first cut is excruciating. But I can't stop now. I know it will feel worse than anything I've ever felt before... but what else can I do? And yet, there's that lingering question... that little voice that says, "what if you're making the wrong decision? What if all this pain is about NOT letting go?"

I feel like I have to draw this line in the sand in order to be honorable and all I feel is a massive anxiety attack lingering on the edges, waiting to swamp me. I feel an overwhelming desire to curl into the fetal position and sob or to scratch and claw and kick at something just to let them experience what I'm feeling. It's like every cell in my body is screaming. I want to fall on my knees and beg. Please.

What if I've made the wrong decision?

I want him to be happy and if I'm not that girl, then I have no choice. I see no other option than to let him be free even though my heart is shattering.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Things I'm Afraid Of - The Ocean

This month my group on FB has decided to challenge themselves to weekly topics. This week will be posts about things that scare me. Prepare yourself to jump into my irrational psyche. Have fun...

The ocean - it scares me spit-less. I know where it started... I was little when the book, Jaws, came out. For those old enough, you'll remember the cover... It's a woman swimming in the open ocean and Jaws is below her with its mouth wide open ready to bite off her leg. I imagine the second scene which includes a blood soaked water and woman dangling from a shark's mouth. I would stare at the cover in fascinated terror. Then, to really drive home my fear, when I was about 5 years old, we (my mom, her friend, Debbie, and myself) went out in a little rowboat onto a lake. I was terrified. And then Debbie screamed, "Look, Lisa, it's Jaws!" I remember screaming hysterically and curling up in the bottom of the boat, begging to be taken to shore. Sure... NOW it's funny. But I am left with a more than a normal fear of any water that isn't clear or where I can't see my feet. I even struggle going boating. Oh, I mask my fear well but it always takes me a little talk, reminding myself that sharks or box jelly fish can't live in reservoirs. 

I grew up in a landlocked state so getting to the water wasn't a normal event for my family (no exposure therapy for me!). We went a couple of times to San Diego but I didn't go into the water. I'm sure I walked in the shallow waves, but I have no memory of it. As I became an adult and cable became more popular, I fell in love with all of the science channels... and yup, you guessed it, I watched all of the ocean shows. There I learned more about sharks (Shark Week!), rogue waves (terrifying!!) and box jelly fish (death the size of my pinkie nail). Pretty much put the kibosh on any desire I MAY have developed to venture into open water. I'm not even sure I could do a cruise... rogue waves could hit at any time or we could get trapped in a hurricane. I MIGHT walk ankle deep as the waves crash into the shore... but those box jellies are sneaky devils and you don't see them until it's too late.

Nope... no ocean for me.

It's actually rather sad because I love the water. I find it very healing. I love the idea of sitting on a winter beach, wrapped in a big sweater, watching the gray waves wash in. I guess that would be okay since I wouldn't actually get in the water then. But I can't ever imagine going to a beach and getting into the water to swim. Yikes!! Strikes terror in my heart!