Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Letting Go

Ever since December 31, 2011 I've felt this impending sense of doom. It's a bit like I've lost something incredibly valuable and don't know how to get it back or how to live without it.  It's made me by turns angry, frustrated, competitive, hurt, needy and depressed.

It's like I'm caught and I'm being forced to cut off a limb in order to save my life. It's the only option I see. I know it's going to hurt like hell but I don't know what else to do. So, I stand there trying to work up the courage. The first cut is excruciating. But I can't stop now. I know it will feel worse than anything I've ever felt before... but what else can I do? And yet, there's that lingering question... that little voice that says, "what if you're making the wrong decision? What if all this pain is about NOT letting go?"

I feel like I have to draw this line in the sand in order to be honorable and all I feel is a massive anxiety attack lingering on the edges, waiting to swamp me. I feel an overwhelming desire to curl into the fetal position and sob or to scratch and claw and kick at something just to let them experience what I'm feeling. It's like every cell in my body is screaming. I want to fall on my knees and beg. Please.

What if I've made the wrong decision?

I want him to be happy and if I'm not that girl, then I have no choice. I see no other option than to let him be free even though my heart is shattering.


  1. you are breaking my heart. maybe you SHOULD fall on your knees and ask for help . . but not from him . . . from HIM. Love is not supposed to hurt.

    1. Thank you, Judy. Your absolutely right. It shouldn't hurt.