The Success Dilemma

"You may be the only good thing that happens in someone's life today." - unknown

So, depending on how far back in my posts you've read, you've probably realized that I haven't been particularly happy with the type of nursing that I'm doing. It's not that it's a bad or unworthy endeavor; it's just that it's not at all what I'd expected to be doing. In April, I'd reached a breaking point and papered the healthcare system with my resume. With a tad bit of success...

It landed me with an interview at a hospice company. It's one that I'd had great respect for and that I've worked with. I was very excited! Although, again, hospice wasn't something that I thought I'd be doing this early in my career, it was certainly an area of interest. The caveat... it was going to take "a while" to get me started. What I didn't realize was that they meant a LONG while...

I'm waiting... and waiting... I know that I've gotten the job but things aren't moving... at all. And, really, the point of getting a NEW job is so that you can leave the OLD job. A few weeks ago, I get an email from a recruiter about a traveling trainer position. It took a few days before I replied but I wasn't sure it was what I'd wanted. But, contact them I did. The job description is something that I'm perfectly suited to do. I've done very similar work in the past so I figure... what the heck? On the day of my first telephone interview, the hospice company calls and says they are ready for me to start... of course. Of course. In the meantime, I have to prepare a 3 - 5 minute YouTube video where I'm doing a mini training. I get the 2nd telephone interview and the day that's scheduled, the hospice wants me to come in and fill out paperwork... of course. Of course.

In the meantime, I've found out the travel trainer position would require/allow me to travel to 46 different states and will pay me more money (by about 34K) than I've ever made in my life. Needless to say, hospice won't be paying me that much. Instantly my mind starts going "cha-ching" and I'm planning on the extra large tv that I want to buy and the new cruiser bike that I'd hoped to get this summer. Then I start thinking about the masters that I want to get and how I could save, etc. I've also found out that I've gotten the face-to-face interview in KY and that I'll be required to prepare a 30 minute training session (on a topic of my choice) complete with material that I'd need to supply (for any hands-on portions that they're expecting me to include) and Power Point. Needless to say, I'm frickin' stressed!!

Thursday was meltdown day. I kept feeling all this pressure and uncertainty. I couldn't figure out if it were fear of presenting, fear of success or my intuition screaming at me to PAY ATTENTION. You see, I'd been noticing, but ignoring (I've discovered that I'm VERY good at ignoring) some ginormous red flags.

1. The recruiter kept saying things like, "we had this one woman give an AMAZING presentation but her blouse was too low cut so she didn't get the job because they felt she showed too much cleavage. Really? She was great... but... Wouldn't it have been better to offer the job but to say, "we were a little uncomfortable with your outfit, mind being more conservative in your dress in the future?"
2. I received no less than 17 documents (a minimum of 4 pages each) with "helpful hints" and requirements for the INTERVIEW! For the love!!
3. "It's a very, very conservative company."
4. I'd be a consultant, likely trapped into a contract until the end of 2013. Oh and... although the travel would be fun, I'd be on the road EVERY Monday - Friday. While initially fun, that could get really old, really fast.
5. I'd be training their employees... when a physician doesn't feel like learning their new computer system... who do you think they're going to blame?? The M.D.?? Oh no, they'll blame the consultant... the RN. 
6. I'm getting a deja vu sensation and mild anxiety whenever I think about the job. 
7. I've only been a nurse for a year and in CO, the ONLY way to get a job in a hospital is to get the year under your belt. I feel like I'd be going backwards... going BACK to training computers. The job titles would be different... but it's essentially the same work that had driven me... fleeing... out of corporate America. 
8. I'm very concerned that after the contract is up, I'd end up back in a LTC (long term care) facility because I would have had a hiatus with my "skills." And, considering this has been one of the hardest, most agonizing years of my life, needless to say, it's not one that I'd care to repeat (any of it) any time soon.
9. My last corporate America job was really good at helping people board the "Perfectionist Treadmill" and then setting the speed at impossible levels, until you eventually slipped and landed on your face, nose bloody and likely broken. The more questions I'd asked, the more I felt as though this company was of a similar culture. I'd ended one abusive "relationship" (i.e. the former company), I'm not anxious to get into another.

So, though the money is very attractive and for a moment, it's shininess dazzled me and filled me with dreams of accumulation, I paused and asked myself... how do I really define success?? What really matters to me? The voice from my soul said, "you left corporate America and ripped your life apart in order to do something with meaning. Yes, you're an EXCELLENT trainer and teacher. It's a talent, certainly. But so is helping people through trauma. You can do that in hospice, with people whose lives you can make a difference. You're not making any difference by teaching someone how to input a certain code into a system."

I have a quote on my computer that has been there since I started nursing school. It says "you may be the only good thing that happens in someone's life today." It's something that I try every day to live... even when I should simply throw up my hands and walk away... I still try to understand the other perspective and be open to their experiences. So... success for me isn't defined by earning the almighty dollar. I define success by how much of a difference I'm making, whether I'm using my talents and whether I'm happy at the end of the day. I haven't felt very successful this last year. But, I'm working on it. And so, although I will have to follow through with the interview, I'm 99% sure that I'm going to turn it down. Because success isn't about money... not really. I want my epitath to read... "She was a really amazing, kind and compassionate person," not "She was a millionaire." Though, <g> if both are written, I wouldn't mind that either. I mean, I'm altruistic... not a fool!! <g>