Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Wondering

This insecurity that has been triggered inside is exhausting. I drive by S's place (on the way to a destination and not in some scary stalker-ish way) and notice that his car isn't there. And I wonder... "Is he with J?" He gets a text and I think, "Is that from J?" He says, "I am alone now" and "I need time to work through some things." And I believe him. But I also find that I don't know how to give him that space. I try to be careful and honor boundaries; I really do. When you want someone, how to you curb the desire to spend all your moments with them?

I don't hear from him last thing before I go to sleep or first thing in the morning and I think, "Is he with J?"

And I miss him.

Too often he's stepped outside to take a phone call - I always assumed it was his sister - now... I wonder.

I was built to ponder and question, and ordinarily, that's a great thing. But now I question him, too. And it's the wondering that still hurts. The never-ending questions. The moments when the images are just a little too clear.

Can I trust him? Is he trustworthy? I want to believe him. I want to believe in him. And sometimes, the questions simply overwhelm me.

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