The Wondering

This insecurity that has been triggered inside is exhausting. I drive by S's place (on the way to a destination and not in some scary stalker-ish way) and notice that his car isn't there. And I wonder... "Is he with J?" He gets a text and I think, "Is that from J?" He says, "I am alone now" and "I need time to work through some things." And I believe him. But I also find that I don't know how to give him that space. I try to be careful and honor boundaries; I really do. When you want someone, how to you curb the desire to spend all your moments with them?

I don't hear from him last thing before I go to sleep or first thing in the morning and I think, "Is he with J?"

And I miss him.

Too often he's stepped outside to take a phone call - I always assumed it was his sister - now... I wonder.

I was built to ponder and question, and ordinarily, that's a great thing. But now I question him, too. And it's the wondering that still hurts. The never-ending questions. The moments when the images are just a little too clear.

Can I trust him? Is he trustworthy? I want to believe him. I want to believe in him. And sometimes, the questions simply overwhelm me.

Simply Wiped

Ever have one of those days where things are exciting and busy but so completely insane?!? That was yesterday... I'm an RN at a skilled facility and on average I have 30 - 40 patients, depending on the area I work. Yesterday I had 2 people I had to send to the ER (translate as adrenaline rush and paperwork), 3 people who had doctor's appointments but no paperwork prepared (thank you night shift! You did an awesome job!), 1 discharge to home (translate as paperwork and teaching), 1 fall (translate as more paperwork), plus my regular duties which include "treatments" (wound care, skin care, etc.) and 15 head-to-toe assessments, plus all the "normal" charting and care planning that's required. Needless to say, that day kicked my ass!! And, to top it off, when I left work 3 1/2 hours after my shift, I discovered that I'd left the dome light on in my car and now had a dead battery. Oy vey!! Thankfully, I was able to call upon S who was a godsend!! Not only did he take me to get a battery, when he himself had a ton of work to do, but he kept me company at dinner and then got his booty out of bed early enough to come and pick me up and get me back to work by 6:30a. Now THAT, folks, is an awesome friend!! :o)

Today was just long...

Now it's a Friday night... a true Friday night meaning that I actually have tomorrow and Sunday off... and all I want to do is play around on FB and whip out a good book.

Working out has been a struggle this week. I simply can't seem to find the motivation to get into the gym. I will do better tomorrow. On the up side, I haven't had any soda in 27 days! Go, me!!

So today I'm grateful for 1) kind and generous friends who are willing to be available when needed, 2) that I have a job, in a time when many don't, even when it's really, really challenging and hard, and 3) cupcakes!

Much to be Thankful for

Hope and love and the knowledge that I have it in me to take the journey...
Hot pink, freshly painted toe nails...
Reading a book that has tears of laughter running down my face...
Red velvet frozen yogurt with gummy bears...
Finding out that a woman I suspected for having a stroke, really was and I may have saved her life...
I'd say that's a perfect day.

Gratitude

Today I'm grateful for: 

1. lunch with old friends, 

2. The Book of Awesome, and 

3. the warmth of my kitty sleeping beside me.

Trust

If you deeply care about someone and there is hope, but they've betrayed you; how do you learn to trust again? How do you learn how not to question and wonder? How do you shut your mind off?

True That!

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

A Passion

"We read to know we are not alone." - Anthony Hopkins, as C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands

I love books! I haven't always loved books. I hated to read when I was a child. When I was in second grade we moved to Montana from Colorado and I couldn't remember what books I'd read so they put me in a special class to help me with my reading. That year they wanted to hold me back a grade but because they made the mistake of telling my mom that because I was short I would fit right in with the kids younger than myself. Fools! My mom said, "no." I don't remember feeling as though I struggled with reading. I just didn't like to do it. When I was 13 I came down with strep-throat and was bedridden for a week. My step-mom, an avid bibliophile herself, bought me my first romance novel. In retrospect, it was a TERRIBLE book called, Promises and Lies, but I ate it up!! For the rest of my teen years, other than school books, I read romance exclusively. My senior year I was in Advanced Placement English which opened my world to other forms of writing and though I can't say it greatly impacted me then, it does now.


In my early 20's, I had the pleasure and delight of working for one of the greatest book stores in the world, Tattered Cover Book Store. At the time I was there, it was a 40,000 sq ft building filled with wonder and endless adventures. It was there that I learned the joy of browsing. There is something so spectacular about wandering around a book store... so much anticipation and possibility. It reminds me of the opening line from Sunday in the Park with George, "White... a blank page or canvas... so many possibilities." I love to wander through the sections picking up the books with titles or covers that intrigue me. I'll open the pages and read from there. Am I sucked in? Do I want to find out more? My "to read" list numbers over 150 titles. So many books... so little time. I recently realized that I have a book ritual. After making a purchase, provided it's multiple titles, I'll go home, pull them all out of the bag and then stack them neatly by my side. One by one I pick them up, read the back, sift through the pages, smell them. Then I stack them in the order that I want to read them. There is so much joy in that experience. I love new books. It's almost as though I get to be the very first person on that journey... no one else but me has been there before. I love to read a book at the same time as a friend, sharing the experience with another and being able to talk about it can heighten the joy of finding out what happens next. Though, I must confess, I'm terrible about waiting to find out what happens, so it's not unusual that I'll read the ending first or flip through the last pages until I find out what happens. Some believe that it spoils the book... but for me, it makes me more excited to find out the journey of how they got there.


The closest I've ever come to experiencing that feeling is when sitting on an empty stage. My junior and senior year of high school, I would turn on the stage lights, leaving the auditorium lights off and just sit there. Sometimes I'd study... but mostly, I'd dream. I'd dream about my future and what awaited me.


Today, I run a book group and last year I read 75 books. I'm not going to read that many this year because there are other things that I want to do... and as much as I love books, it does take time.


I was at the book store today and picked up: The Book of Awesome, Bird by Bird, and Writing Down the Bones, in addition to a title for a friend. As usual, I've stacked them up and selected my next read. I hope to finish The Happiness Project today. I'm excited to start my own project... my mind is sparkling with ideas! But, it will be sad to finish it at the same time. I've been so inspired.


Today I'm grateful for: 1. large, white snow flakes that were a surprise (I hadn't realized it was expected to snow), 2. the possibilities that await between the covers of a book, and 3. having two days off in a row.

Crawl Into My Mind

I haven't fully decided what I'm going to say here but have been feeling the urge lately to create a place where I can unleash the randomness that lives in my head. Although I'd love to say that I'll write daily, I'm simply not sure that's feasible. So, I'm open to seeing where the journey takes me and what ends up being expressed. 

I'm currently finishing The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, which has completely inspired me to start my own project. My goal is to begin in March. Although I've been on an amazing journey over the last year and celebrating the simple moments has been a priority, this book has gotten me jazzed about really digging in and exploring all the ways that I can create, recognize and pass along joy. For so long I've allowed myself to say "next year" or "perhaps some day" and I want to stop doing that. I long to live more in the now.

I know I want a place where I can start expressing more gratitude and celebrating the amazing-ness of my ordinary life. I'd really like to put in writing that which I'm grateful for; not only as a log but also as a moment of meditation and opportunity to really sit with that feeling. 

Although I really want to focus, much of the time, on the positive, I am struggling with a recent heartache that has triggered a few childhood wounds. So I imagine that a bit of that will be touched upon here as I explore those darker depths that continue to haunt me; despite years of therapy, self-awareness and much work on self actualization.

I want to use this space as a place where I can post some of the poetry that I've yet to write. I find myself moved by words and I know that I'll be sharing those that inspire and challenge me. I enjoy photography so you can expect numerous photos. Seeing as I'm an avid biblioholic, you will definitely hear my thoughts about what I'm currently reading. As I move along this journey of continued self-discovery, I hope you'll see a bit of me in you. I hope that my experiences inspire and move you to do things you'd never thought to do and explore depths that were previously too dark and too scary.

So...

Crawl Into My Mind

Crawl

Through brightly colored strings.

Trip over the blue one and discover

That rush of freedom found on a swing;

Flying so high toes touch the pinkest clouds.

Careful to tug gently on the red one over there.

It unleashes decades old anger

And is liable to incinerate an unwary visitor.

And then there’s the orange one

That opens the door

To sweet first love delicately wrapped in gauze.

Passionate and intense,

It remembers the odes to my earlobes;

Blues songs created in my name.

And turning to see you standing there

Just as I was talking about the mere

Dimple that lights up your smile.

Into

Twisted turning bolt holes of creativity.

This one leads

To improvising a slip of paper into a butterfly.

Over there

I’m lying pressed to the floor, struggling

To achieve the desperation of St. Joan.

Or peek into that hole

I’m auditioning at NYU;

Awaiting with eager anticipation the

Acceptance that arrived that cold May.

That hole there

May take you into dark, lustful stories

And scenes of romance yet unwritten.

Watch that one

You may end up glued to cardstock

And given away on someone’s birthday

My

Bumble bee ideas speed faster than a jet,

Darting and touching the petals of dreams,

Some unfilled and others discarded.

Always debating the need to land here

Versus the desire to sample over there.

Regretting the inability to experience

The entire meadow at once.

Mind

The trapdoors and false exits,

For you may become irreversibly lost

Wandering indefinitely amongst

The mushy gray matter and

Electric currents flowing over

Myelin sheaths.

But don’t be nervous.

It’s only if you dare.

The challenge is made to the brave and

Adventurous.

So come crawl inside or

Simply pull up that chair.

 *This poem was inspired by a poetry book entitled “Crawl Into My Mind.” Each author in the collection was tasked with creating a poem using that title.