Things I'm Afraid Of - The Ocean

This month my group on FB has decided to challenge themselves to weekly topics. This week will be posts about things that scare me. Prepare yourself to jump into my irrational psyche. Have fun...

The ocean - it scares me spit-less. I know where it started... I was little when the book, Jaws, came out. For those old enough, you'll remember the cover... It's a woman swimming in the open ocean and Jaws is below her with its mouth wide open ready to bite off her leg. I imagine the second scene which includes a blood soaked water and woman dangling from a shark's mouth. I would stare at the cover in fascinated terror. Then, to really drive home my fear, when I was about 5 years old, we (my mom, her friend, Debbie, and myself) went out in a little rowboat onto a lake. I was terrified. And then Debbie screamed, "Look, Lisa, it's Jaws!" I remember screaming hysterically and curling up in the bottom of the boat, begging to be taken to shore. Sure... NOW it's funny. But I am left with a more than a normal fear of any water that isn't clear or where I can't see my feet. I even struggle going boating. Oh, I mask my fear well but it always takes me a little talk, reminding myself that sharks or box jelly fish can't live in reservoirs. 

I grew up in a landlocked state so getting to the water wasn't a normal event for my family (no exposure therapy for me!). We went a couple of times to San Diego but I didn't go into the water. I'm sure I walked in the shallow waves, but I have no memory of it. As I became an adult and cable became more popular, I fell in love with all of the science channels... and yup, you guessed it, I watched all of the ocean shows. There I learned more about sharks (Shark Week!), rogue waves (terrifying!!) and box jelly fish (death the size of my pinkie nail). Pretty much put the kibosh on any desire I MAY have developed to venture into open water. I'm not even sure I could do a cruise... rogue waves could hit at any time or we could get trapped in a hurricane. I MIGHT walk ankle deep as the waves crash into the shore... but those box jellies are sneaky devils and you don't see them until it's too late.

Nope... no ocean for me.

It's actually rather sad because I love the water. I find it very healing. I love the idea of sitting on a winter beach, wrapped in a big sweater, watching the gray waves wash in. I guess that would be okay since I wouldn't actually get in the water then. But I can't ever imagine going to a beach and getting into the water to swim. Yikes!! Strikes terror in my heart!

G is for Growth

I wonder why growth is often so painful. Why, as humans, do we insist that we cannot grow when things are stable and we're, well... happy or at least content? Why is the saying "the pain of staying has to exceed the pain of leaving" before we chose to alter our existence so impossibly true? Are we naturally stubborn? Is safety so very important to us? Why can't change knock on the door and we simply say, "ok, let me go pack for the journey" and we enter the next adventure with the desire to meet the challenge head on?

I am a Gemini, and as a mutable astrological sign, I ordinarily enjoy change and have been known to seek out change simply for the sake of change... but when it's thrust upon me... I fight like a wild cat dipped in water. I have also been known to subconsciously create chaos or sabotage myself in order to force change into my life... to knock down with force that ivory tower I had been living in. And I always bring in the big guns... it's no bulldozer for me. No sirree... I employ dynamite to destroy my tower. Apparently I want no option of returning to that place once I've left. Under those circumstances... I don't like it. I don't like it at all. In those periods, I feel as though instead of building bridges, I'm burning them as soon as I cross them. Perhaps I'm intentionally, though subconsciously, ensuring that I am unable to ever go back. That that option simply doesn't exist. Lately, I feel as though I have a ginormous bonfire behind me.

There is lots of change happening in my world right now. I feel as though I'm standing on broken, slate rock and every move is a perilous risk that could result in a broken leg. Each move I make could be stable footing or a long and painful slide into a place I don't want to be. In some ways, it creates a fear of moving at all... but I know I can't just stand there waiting because the earth has started to rumble beneath me. And I'll be forced to take action no matter what.

What scares me is the path ahead. I can't see it clearly. I long for a hand to hold but find that I am alone. But perhaps that is also part of this period of growth.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly."          -Richard Bach

 "If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."          -Author Unknown

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”                   -Maya Angelou

B is for Bravery

Those that know me personally are probably completely shocked and surprised that my "B" isn't "Books." Though I love them fiercely... another topic has been more relevant lately.

I've been thinking of bravery a lot since the beginning of April and what that really means. There is the obvious bravery such as a fireman rushing into a burning building to save someone or a cop going into a dangerous situation, scared, but knowing that it's the "right" thing to do. Those are also heroic moments... but I'm not speaking of those.

Merriam-Webster defines bravery as the "state of being brave: courage." They also say that brave means "having or showing courage."

So does that mean that confronting any fear is an act of bravery? Things like confronting your emotions, standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, or being honest with yourself about yourself... or even scarier, being open and honestly sharing your emotions with another. Is that bravery? What if it's the thing that scares you the most in the world... the exposure of your naked, unfiltered self, is it bravery then? And for that act of bravery, should one expect a reward? Some sort of payoff? Or is the act itself the payoff, the simple knowledge that through the sharing, growth took place? Should that be enough?

Change requires a huge amount of bravery. It's scary to let go of the familiar and take the leap into the unknown, not knowing whether a net will catch you, you'll be given wings or if you'll be smashed flat on the rocks and left there bloody and wounded. I carry the scars of being smashed flat, but a few moments, too, where I've been given the wings to soar.

For me, trust does not come easily. It never has. There is always a tiny but persistent part of me that fears rejection or the confirmation that I'm not worth it... whatever "it" is: the energy, time, effort, love, etc. Trust requires every ounce of bravery that I have. I have fought hard and spent many an hour in a therapist's office to overcome some of that fear. I'd recently been able to push against that fear and meet it head on. I didn't feel brave. In fact, I was scared shitless; but I allowed myself to open up and be exposed. I can't say the end result was as I'd hoped or expected, but I am richer for the experience. And perhaps next time the fear will not be as great, the dragon will bellow a little less fire and there will be more steps in that bridge that I'm required to cross. Perhaps next time I won't be considered to be quite as brave.

"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it." 

                     - Thucydides (Ancient Greek historian  and author (460 - 404 bc))